Rage Or Love?
by Shay Stark and Raven Rogers
Summary: Two teenage boys leave home looking for new horizons. What they find changes their lives. Mentions of slash. Johnny/Whatsername. Johnny/Jimmy. Tunny/Extraordinary Girl. Will/Heather.


**Author's Note: I do not own the beautiful characters of American Idiot or any of the lovely song lyrics used in this story. Credit goes to Green Day for everything except my ideas. This story does contain mentions of slash, so if you do not like slash, do not read this. Read and review, darlings. 3**

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**Rage Or Love?**

He hates the way the world has been swallowed by the media, the way the youth of America has been decimated by the words of heavily made-up and darkly tanned plastic people straight from the pages of a magazine. Suburbia is hell for someone like him, perfect little houses with perfect little lawns and people who dress and act the same. They call him a freak, but he is not a freak. He is the difference in a society of sameness. Nonconforming in the middle of conformity. The city is heaven, but he is afraid to go alone, be alone.

_Don't wanna be an American idiot_

_Don't want a nation under the new mania_

_Can you hear the sound of hysteria?_

_The subliminal mind-fuck American_

People laugh at him for the way he is, but he brushes it off and pretends not to hear most of it as he drinks and smokes his way through his teenage years. He is nineteen as of February, and his father has been dead for six years, and he hates his stepfather. His mother treats him as if he is another loser, but he laughs her concerns away. Most of his days are spent dreaming of what will come after he finds the place where he needs to be. But he will not change who he is for anyone.

_And there's nothing wrong with me_

_This is how I'm supposed to be_

_In a world of make-believe_

_That don't believe in me_

He spends one night with Will and Tunny, and after drinking and smoking until they were all pleasantly drunk and buzzed, he realizes the truth. He may have been born in Jingletown, the pleasant little Suburbia he despises, but he cannot stand the thought of this place being his home. He is ready to leave, to start a new life and discover his true home. Because he has been lied to all of these years, and he is tired of it. Tired of Mom. Tired of Brad. Tired of the world he is living in. He wants it to change.

_It says home is where your heart is_

_But what a shame_

_'Cause everyone's heart_

_Doesn't beat the same_

Will and Tunny are willing to follow him wherever he goes because they trust him, and so do the kids their age who haunt the same places they do. All of them know about his rage and his love, his dreams and his reality, and they want what he wants. Unlike him, though, they are blind followers unwilling to strike out on their own. He can understand why they are afraid, but luckily, they have him to lead them to a new life and a new start. He can change his life, and in the process, he can change theirs.

_We are the kids of war and peace_

_From Anaheim to the Middle East_

_We are the stories and disciples of_

_The Jesus of Suburbia_

Just as they are preparing to leave, Heather tells Will she is pregnant, and a third of their enigmatic trio chooses to stay behind to remain with the mother of his child. Johnny is disgusted with her for keeping Will away from a new life, but there is little he can do to convince Will to come. He tells Will goodbye and hopes for the best for both of them, then herds the others and prepares them for their journey. They pack light and buy bus tickets. Johnny borrows the money from his mom, who is thrilled he is leaving.

_Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?_

_Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?_

_Nobody's perfect and I stand accused_

_For lack of a better word and that's my best excuse_

Brad tries to stop him from leaving, grabs him by the arm and throws him into the wall beside the door, but Johnny takes his chance and bolts. No more days spent tiptoeing around his stepfather's anger while his mother makes excuses for him. He tells his sister goodbye and heads for the bus station, thrilled to see the rest of his disciples waiting for him. All of them are tearing apart their homes to leave, but it is the natural order of things. It is time for them to go no matter what their parents believe. Time to change.

_And I leave behind_

_This hurricane of fucking lies_

_And I've walked this line_

_A million and one fucking times_

The others are ready to leave, calling out to him as he walks down the sidewalk with nothing but an old duffel bag stuffed with clothes and his acoustic guitar. When he sees Tunny waiting for him, he breathes a sigh of relief and herds everyone onto the bus so they can head for the city. He is stuck between Tunny and Theo on the bus, and truthfully, he needs the support from the ones who call him their friend. He needs the support because he is just as afraid as they are. He is best at not showing it.

_Hear the sound of the falling rain_

_Coming down like an Armageddon flame_

_The shame_

_The ones who died without a name_

But the city is unforgiving, and though they find room and a place to stay and people who tempt them with drugs and booze. Tunny spends most of his days in bed, but Johnny wanders the streets and tries to find something to soothe his addled nerves. He sees her in her window and imagines himself at her side, imagines a better life and a better tomorrow, and he wishes he was better. But his disciples scatter throughout the underbelly and Tunny refuses to speak, and Johnny finds himself alone all over again. Alone with no one to help him.

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me_

_My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating_

_Sometimes I wish someone out there would find me_

_'Til then, I walk alone_

Tunny watches TV when he is awake, but Johnny barely notices his best friend watching war propaganda with interest. He focuses only on himself, on finding the calling he has been seeking, and to hell with anyone and everyone who stands in his way. He will not lay down now that he has made it, and if Tunny wants to watch TV all day, so be it. Johnny spends his days writing songs, playing his guitar, and watching the girl in the window. When he and Tunny talk, everything seems okay. He has no reason to believe anything is wrong.

_A clean-cut all-American_

_Really ain't so clean_

_His royal auditorium_

_Is a murder scene_

Then Tunny is gone, and Johnny is left to wonder when his best friend decided the U.S. military was not part of the faction attempting to keep them down. He fumes and rages and hates life, and he struggles to figure out what has changed. The city is all they hoped it would be, but apparently, this new life is not good enough for Tunny. Well, fuck him. Fuck him and his decisions, and fuck whatever consequence comes of his choosing to serve. Hopefully, he will come to his senses before it is too late, but Johnny no longer cares.

_Head or tails and fairytales in my mind_

_Are we we are, are we we are the waiting unknown_

_The rage and love, the story of my life_

_The Jesus of Suburbia is a lie_

Johnny needs an outlet for his frustration, and at a club one night, he meets the one who will change his life forever. St. Jimmy. In a torn mesh tank top and black skinny jeans, his head half-shaved and tattoos on his pale skin, the true leader of the underbelly sucks Johnny in. Offers him drugs, and Johnny injects them gladly. Jimmy is exotic, beautiful, otherworldly in the darkness, and Johnny falls for him hard. Who can resist someone who offers all one has ever wanted? He follows Jimmy fearlessly, and the rest of his disciples convert along with him.

_My name is Jimmy, and you better not wear it out_

_Suicide commando that your momma talked about_

_King of the forty thieves, and I'm here to represent_

_The needle in the vein of the establishment_

Will is home alone on his couch, drinking away his misery and not knowing what to do about the fact Heather is closer and closer to her due date. He has no money, no job, and no way to support a child, much less the skill needed to take care of one. Heather tries to get him to look at her, but he can barely see past his own confusion and pain. He wants someone to come and drain him of his fear, but in the end, he is alone. Johnny left. Tunny left. Everyone left and left him here.

_Drain the pressure from the swelling_

_The sensation's overwhelming_

_Give me a long kiss goodnight_

_And everything will be all right_

But Johnny's life begins to work out, and the girl in the window, the beautiful Whatsername, acknowledges him and invites him to a club. How can he object? She is so unique, so different. He cancels his plans with Jimmy without telling the saint and follows behind her like a dog with his tongue hanging out, and he is not the least bit embarrassed. There is no girl in the world like her, and he will be damned if he ruins this by hanging out with Jimmy when he could have her. The saint will have to deal with it.

_She is paranoid like_

_Endangered species heading into extinction_

_She is one of a kind_

_Well, she's the last of the American girls_

While he is at the club with her, dancing the night away, Jimmy shows up and starts trying to split the two of them up. Johnny ignores him and dances with Whatsername, pretends not to hear the words Jimmy is screaming at him over the volume of the music. But when Jimmy offers him heroin and convinces him to give some to Whatsername, he thinks better of the saint and thanks him for the gift. How stupid was he to believe Jimmy cared who he dated? He apologized and offered a needle to the girl of his dreams with glee.

_From Chicago to Toronto_

_She's the one that they call ol' Whatsername_

_She's a symbol of resistance_

_And she's holding on my heart like a hand grenade_

Back in Jingletown, Heather is busy taking care of her baby. In Murder City, Johnny realizes while floating on a wave of heroin delight that he is no longer certain who he loves. On the one hand, Whatsername is beautiful and unique and refreshing, but he cannot forget Jimmy. They two of them are nothing alike, he realizes, but he knows he will never be able to leave the saint behind. He has to if he wants a life with the girl he loves, but he will never be able to. Not because of the heroin, but because of Jimmy.

_I walked for miles 'til I found you_

_I'm here to honor you_

_If I lose everything in the fire_

_I'm sending all my love to you_

Since Will refuses to move from his position on the couch, Heather packs her bags and leaves with the baby. She no longer cares if Will has positive intentions or not because he refuses to help her or hold the baby they made together. Passed out on the couch, he was not even in the delivery room with her when their baby boy was born. Fuck him. She has her friends hold Will back while she packs, and she decides life in a new city does not sound so bad. Johnny may have had the right idea for a change.

_He's talking shit about how it's better way back when_

_He lives every waking moment as a means to an end_

_We are, we are, but I'm not, I never used to be_

_So God bless your fucking past and to hell with your glory_

Tunny lays in a hospital bed, sweating and groaning because he has been shot and is on the brink of dying. Infection sets in, and he knows he is going to die, and he no longer cares because then the pain will be over. He dreams of Jingletown and would take back all of the terrible things he has done if only he can go home. His leg will be gone soon, and he will be dead and it will be over. He dreams of Will. Of Johnny. Of the Jesus of Suburbia mess. He dreams of rage and love.

_Singing_

_I can hear them singing_

_When the rain had washed away_

_All these scattered dreams_

But then she comes, the Extraordinary Girl, and his resolve to live strengthens in the gentleness of her touch and the sadness in her eyes. He wants to live to make that sadness go away, and once it is gone, he will show her the beauty of the world. She takes care of him as well as the other patients, but when their eyes meet, he can see she thinks he is different. And he is. He wants her to know he is different, wants her to know he is not like the rest of these men. He wants _her_.

_She's all alone again_

_Wiping the tears from her eyes_

_Some days, he feels like dying_

_She gets so sick of crying_

Johnny fluctuates between loving and hating Jimmy, and during an elongated period of hate, he realizes he can love Whatsername if he tries. He has to push Jimmy away, and when the saint comes to his door to make it up to him with a needle of heroin, he kicks Jimmy out. No. No more drugs, no more suffering, no more arguing. His heart screams at him for doing such a stupid thing, but he sits and sings to Whatsername. He sings her a song he wrote for Jimmy because he cannot sing to the saint. Jimmy would not understand.

_Yet they'll never have_

_Someone like you to guide them and help them along the way_

_Or tell them when it's time_

_To say I love you_

But Jimmy turns him against Whatsername, makes him choose between the rebel and the saint, the last American girl or the patron saint of denial. And he wants to choose Whatsername, to stay with her and not lose himself in drugs, but how can he leave Jimmy? She offers him a balm to the rage he has lived with, but Jimmy is the symbol of his love, and he is always stuck between them. Always caught between rage and love, the wounds his mother and stepfather dealt him. He knows he has to choose between them, but he is lost.

_The insurgency will rise_

_When the blood's been sacrificed_

_Don't be blinded by the lies_

_In your eyes_

Whatsername is scared for Johnny because she can see the way he idolizes the St. Jimmy, and there is little she can do to keep him from leaving her. But when she tries to reach out to him, Johnny shuns her and refuses to answer her calls. When she sees him in public, he pretends not to see her because he is consumed with Jimmy. She knows he loves the saint, has known it since the day she saw the two of them together, and she knows she will lose him to Jimmy. No matter what she says, she loses.

_Did you try to live on your own?_

_When you burned down the house and home?_

_Did you stand too close to the fire?_

_Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone_

When she finds the letter from Johnny telling her he has chosen Jimmy over her, she loses her self-control and trails him down to the streets and screams at him. How can he choose Jimmy over her when he knows the saint can never truly love him? His dreams of fame and fortune are stupid because no one knows who he is, and the only reason he loves Jimmy is because Jimmy treats him just like his parents do, and secretly, that's all Johnny can take. She leaves him in the streets and returns home, not caring what happens next.

_You're not the Jesus of Suburbia_

_The St. Jimmy is a figment of_

_Your father's rage and your mother's love_

_Made me the idiot America_

Confused, Johnny meditates on Whatsername's words and wonders if she was right when she told him Jimmy can never love him. In Jingletown, Will sits in front of his TV and wonders if Heather and the baby are okay and what his friends are doing since there has been no contact from either of them. Tunny lays in a hospital bed, his days brightened when the Extraordinary Girl comes to see him. His leg is gone, and he is ill, but he has her, and he loves her. Together, the three of them remember their friendship, and it stings acutely.

_Here comes the rain again_

_Falling from the stars_

_Drenched in my pain again_

_Becoming who we are_

Johnny tries to find Jimmy to tell him they both need to change, and he finds the saint at the bay with a gun in his hand. He screams at Jimmy not to do it, and for one terrible moment, he is sure he is too late to change anything. But Jimmy hears, and Jimmy lowers the gun, and Johnny runs to him like there is nothing left in him except his love for the saint and his rage at Jimmy's own stupidity. He cries and kisses Jimmy and hits him and holds him because he is so fucking scared.

_There's a glow of light_

_The St. Jimmy is the spark in the night_

_Bearing gifts and trust_

_The fixture in the city of lust_

After he manages to kick the heroin and the cocaine, he gets a desk job in the city and daydreams about returning to the underbelly. Jimmy gets a job as well, and together, they try to make a life for themselves. Johnny wishes he could go home and just settle in with Jimmy, to end the charade of life being good in the city. He is willing to tell his stepfather and mother he made a mistake if only he can get away from the stress and pain in the city. But he wants Jimmy with him. He wants love.

_I just wanna be free_

_Is there a possibility?_

_Get me out of here right now_

_This life-like dream ain't for me_

Will hates what his life has become, and when he falls asleep on his couch, he dreams the others are laughing at him because he is pathetic. All he does is get drunk, watch TV, and drink coffee when he wakes up to settle his stomach. Life is monotonous for him. He wonders where Johnny and Tunny are, wonders were Heather is, wonder if their baby is okay. All he has to remember the past by is old pictures, but the more he looks at them, the more it hurts. He hurts, but none of them care. They never did.

_Dreaming of a song_

_But something went wrong_

_And I can't tell anyone_

_'Cause no one's here_

But when Heather does come back, she has Miguel at her side, and since he has been gone, he has become some sort of rock star with too much money and too much flash. He waves his life and Heather in Will's face, and Will tries to reach out to Heather to convince her to come home. How can she love someone like Miguel when he is such a tool? But she ignores him and laughs at him, and he is reminded yet again that not a single one of them ever cared. But he also never cared. About anything.

_I got a rock n' roll band_

_I got a rock n' roll life_

_I got a rock n' roll girlfriend_

_And another ex-wife_

Johnny sells his guitar for a couple of bus tickets and convinces Jimmy to return home with him, and they arrive at the 7/11 just as Will is walking out. Before he can properly process what he is seeing, Tunny is there with the Extraordinary Girl under his arm. The trio is back. They regard each other, and though Johnny is still mad at Tunny, he forgives him, and the three of them embrace as the past finally leaves the present. They are together again, and now that they have lived and learned, they will be able to face anything.

_I started fucking running_

_As soon as my feet touched the ground_

_We're back in the barrio_

_But to you and me, that's Jingletown, that's home_

One night, Johnny wakes up after dreaming of Whatsername and finds himself missing her, but he cannot remember her name no matter how hard he tries. He wakes up the next morning and burns the few pictures of her he has, no longer missing her or wishing she was with him. When Jimmy finds him burning the photographs, he sits quietly and watches, then offers to run out and get them breakfast. So much has changed for the both of them, but Johnny knows it is for the best. This is how it should be. All of this is right.

_And in the darkest night_

_If my memory serves me right_

_I'll never turn back time_

_Forgetting you, but not the time_

He says goodbye to the pain and the memories because he has Jimmy and his friends and a new chance at living the life he has always wanted. Every night, he falls asleep after making love to the man of his dreams. Every day, he goes to work at the 7/11 with Will and Tunny, and they laugh about the good times and the bad times and wonder what will come next. When the others begin to return to town, they say hello, but they need nothing and no one else than what they have right now. Rage. And love.

_Another turning point, a fork struck in the road_

_Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go_

_So make the best of this test and don't ask why'_

_It's not a question but a lesson learned in time_

_It's something unpredictable but in the end is right_

_I hope you had the time of your life_


End file.
